I hate my friends

except, I love them with my whole heart.

I love my friends, I love the fact that we all love each other, we are nine! So many, and it’s so good we all get along so well. What they said about how big friends groups never work, how they secretly hate each other and can’t stand themselves. It is not true. I love them, when we hang out I feel so full of joy, there is no one like my friends.

Yet, I hate the fact that I will not get to know profoundly every single one of them, I hate how I do not now them at all. I hate how I cannot pay attention to every single one of them and have a special and deep connection with each one, and at the same time not feel like I’m kind of hoarding them. I hate the fact that inside the group there are two who like each other more than the rest of the friend group, I hate the idea of them hanging out by themselves, without proposing the plan to the rest. I hate sharing them. I hate feeling empty near them, I hate feeling like I do not fit in. I hate when I cannot spend all the time I want with that one friend. I hate when I get annoyed at them for the most insignificant things. I hate how I get mad when she makes those little chewing noises that are almost imperceptible, but I can hear them, I cannot stand them. I hate how I know that it is not their fault, it’s just me, I’m not in a good mood and because I am accustomed to you and your fidelity I pay it with you.

I hate how I know that I feel like this because this is the last year I will see them every single day at school and after that no one knows what will happen, I am so afraid of loosing them because they are everything that I love and make my life worth living. Everytime I see them I smile and feel so happy around them. They never fail to make me laugh at the most unfunny jokes and inconvenient moments. I love being around them, they bring such a joyous vibe to every situation. I don’t know what will I do without them, I cannot loose them, they are my everything. I will be lost without them. I don’t want to forget all the memories we’ve created, and the routine of them to become unfamiliar.